yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
