well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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