I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
