you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
