not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
