i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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