my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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