somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
