my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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