Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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