dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
