peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.