I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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