im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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