So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Your cock deserves a montage
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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