my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
