chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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