I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up