his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
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You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA