I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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