i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
