found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
