we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Text me some of your sweat
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