His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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