Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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