Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
