Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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