Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
