Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
