why didn't you poke me back
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
