You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
