Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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