This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
