as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
