He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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