Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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