I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
