I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
