i think i have two assholes
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
