he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
