I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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