Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
