I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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