i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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