Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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