her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
