I can text with my tongue
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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