Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
