My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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