my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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