After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
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Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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