You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
