Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
