btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
