i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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