I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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