Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
