I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
