I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
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PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
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He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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