she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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