ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
