College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
