FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
