I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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