My underwear smells like fireworks.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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