just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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