I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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