i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
